My First Birth: Not what I expected

Attending my first birth was something I will most likely never forget. The thing is, it was so different than I would've expected. Frequently you hear stories of student midwifes attending their first birth and being absolutely beyond themselves, excited and full of adrenalin. I thought it would be the same for me, but I was so, so wrong: I felt nothing. And with nothing I don't mean that I wasn't impressed or amazed, I just felt numb.

For a long time afterwards I thought it had something to do with me. Maybe I didn't like the profession after all and I should've chosen a different career path. Of course, my friends asked me how my first birth was and I was honest and said that even though witnessing the beginning of a new life was amazing, I didn't feel anything. Their reaction was the same as my reaction was at first: "that's strange". Needless to say, I felt even worse about it.

It took a while to realise that my reaction wasn't all that strange after all. Looking back, there were a lot of things about that birth that were stressful for any caregiver let alone a student. The moment my feelings became numb was the moment they decided to perform an episiotomy. After all the impressions and things going different (I'm not saying "wrong", as the outcome was a perfectly healthy child) that was the last thing it took for my brain to block emotions. And the good thing about that is that it gave me the ability to keep thinking clearly and remain rationalised and calm. I think that if that mechanism hadn't kicked in I might have been scared or distressed or I might even have panicked. Actually, my reaction wasn't that bad after all. Birth is a beautiful event to witness and I feel fortunate to make it my job. Even though things usually go to plan, those plans may change in an instant and what you will need is a brain that keeps functioning under pressure. I don't feel bad anymore, I feel grateful. And I certainly don't think this isn't for me anymore, it was a test but it has made me want to be a Midwife even more.

It took me some time to understand that even though my reaction was different to others, it wasn't wrong. Hopefully you can look back on situations in which you reacted differently and see that it wasn't weird or wrong at all. Please share your thoughts down below, I would love to hear your story. 

-M