Sometimes it´s hard
Midwifery is the most beautiful profession in the world, but sometimes I honestly think it to be the biggest mistake in my life. You constantly have to be at the top of your game and even though a slip-up is not a problem, your level overall needs to be right up. There´s this box that you constantly have to fit into. This "model student" that you need to be, all the while actually suffocating under a mountain of assignments and papers.
Sometimes it´s hard. It isn´t all listening to perfect little heartbeats, welcoming perfect little humans into the world and always being happy. I can honestly say I am not the "model student" that is wished of me. I´m an introvert and quite shy, I´m bad at social talk and I hate it to only have 15 minutes each appointment to do everything that´s needed. I am scared of making mistakes and I am especially stressed out about upcoming assesments in which I will get a grade for how I´m doing. It. is. hard.
But the hardest part is dealing with myself. I expect so much of myself. I want myself to fit into the box of the "model student" so badly that every single day I make it a thing to work on it. And you know what? It is never enough. There´s not a day in which I think I did a good job, I´m always comparing myself to other people and what they´re telling me. I hear my friends talk about how they did the most incredible things all on their own and how much confidence they have in their doings, while I sit there and beat myself up because I don´t. I don´t have the confidence or the guts to speak my mind, I don´t have it in me yet.
The truth is: I will never reach it. The "model student" doesn´t exist, even though all the assesment forms make it seem otherwise. And if it´s about comparing myself to others: it´s never going to be worth it. If I work hard and acquire the good traits of one person, there will always be someone to compare myself to around the corner. Such a cliche to say "you should only compare yourself to how you were the day before". Even though it is nothing but the truth, it is impossible. But one thing I should strive more towards is becoming the best version of me. That model student is something I can fill in myself. How I would perceive it to be within my own powers. I know I can do it, and you can do it too. Anything you set your mind to is within your reach.
Sometimes it´s hard. It isn´t all listening to perfect little heartbeats, welcoming perfect little humans into the world and always being happy. I can honestly say I am not the "model student" that is wished of me. I´m an introvert and quite shy, I´m bad at social talk and I hate it to only have 15 minutes each appointment to do everything that´s needed. I am scared of making mistakes and I am especially stressed out about upcoming assesments in which I will get a grade for how I´m doing. It. is. hard.
But the hardest part is dealing with myself. I expect so much of myself. I want myself to fit into the box of the "model student" so badly that every single day I make it a thing to work on it. And you know what? It is never enough. There´s not a day in which I think I did a good job, I´m always comparing myself to other people and what they´re telling me. I hear my friends talk about how they did the most incredible things all on their own and how much confidence they have in their doings, while I sit there and beat myself up because I don´t. I don´t have the confidence or the guts to speak my mind, I don´t have it in me yet.
The truth is: I will never reach it. The "model student" doesn´t exist, even though all the assesment forms make it seem otherwise. And if it´s about comparing myself to others: it´s never going to be worth it. If I work hard and acquire the good traits of one person, there will always be someone to compare myself to around the corner. Such a cliche to say "you should only compare yourself to how you were the day before". Even though it is nothing but the truth, it is impossible. But one thing I should strive more towards is becoming the best version of me. That model student is something I can fill in myself. How I would perceive it to be within my own powers. I know I can do it, and you can do it too. Anything you set your mind to is within your reach.
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